Somewhere I belong
by peroquenotevean
Summary: This is a tribute to Chester Bennington and Linkin Park Just a little drabble about April mindset and feelings using "Somewhere I belong" by Linkin Park as inspiration.


_**Hi! I know I have stories in progress, I really should be writing the second chapter of "Another kind of kingdom". It's on his way. But I had to write this.**_

 _ **Linkin Park has been one of my favorite bands since they showed up with "In the End", and I'm devastated with Chester's death. Usually famous people's deaths don't hit me hard at all, but this one feels different for me, I'm really sad**_

 _ **Also, next week is Japril week and I wanted to write something, so I decided to write some Japril fanfic using some Linkin Park song as inspiration. Well, it turned out that I found my inspiration, but it's not a Japril story, it's an April story. "Somewhere I Belong" sounds like the perfect song for her. I know most of the fans don't understand why April had to go away, and that is something that I understand perfectly. I don't believe April feels like she fits in the Grey Sloan Memorial Hospital, and in the other hand, she found a place in Jordan, she was The Machine, people were in awe with her. Let's compare that to the way that people treats her in GSMH. So well, I just wrote this little thing. It's just and exercise of introspection, just how I think April might feel regarding her relationships with her coworkers**_

 _ **I hope you like it, let me know what you think**_

 _ **Lyrics in bold.**_

 _ **Song: Somewhere I belong, by Linkin Park**_

 _ **RIP Chester Bemmington**_

 **When this began,**

 **I had nothing to say and**

 **And I'd get lost in the nothingness inside of me**

 **(I was confused)**

April lets scape a sight. She is so tired of everything. She is in the nurse station, alone as usual, and suddenly it hits her, she is alone. From the nurse station she can observe everybody going on with their life, and that life doesn't seem to include her. She never belonged in Seattle, in this hospital, with those people, she always felt different, but the gasp between she and them wasn't so big, and Jackson was always there to create a bridge. And then Samuel died, and then the differences became ginormous, and she stopped feeling anything else besides the hole left by the death of her son, and April stopped talking with people who knew about the hole in her heart, and she stopped caring about people who weren't Samuel, and so she decided to fly far, far away, where the people who knew about the hole in her heart and the nothingness in her soul weren't there, where she could meet people who would be fooled by her smiling mask

It turned out that by faking smiles and laughs she started to truly smile and laugh. She made real friends, people who really liked her, people who admire her and her work. She was "The Machine", people were in awe of the Machine, nobody laughed at the Machine, nobody pitied the Machine

 **And I let it all out to find/that I'm**

 **Not the only person with these things in mind (inside of me)**

 **But all the vacancy the words revealed**

 **Is the only real thing that I got left to feel.(nothing to lose)**

 **Just stuck, hollow and alone**

 **And the fault is my own,**

 **And the fault is my own.**

They were all broken in Jordan. They all have lost and they all have won, and they all waked up from the day to day fake life, and stood up, and kept fighting, saving lives, saving the world. There was not pity in Jordan, there was not people tiptoeing around her and looking at her as if she was a doll made of glasses. Instead, there were people being gross and rude, and raw, and brutally honest, because there is not point on pleasantries when you can blow up into thousand of tiny pieces, anytime, anywhere. It was hard for someone like her, shy and overly polite April Kepner, to be around that people. At the beginning she couldn't bear the remarks and the jokes, but she was stuck there, with that people, and it was her choose

 **I want to heal,**

 **I want to feel,**

 **What I thought was never real**

 **I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (Erase all the pain 'til it's gone)**

 **I want to heal,**

 **I want to feel,**

 **Like I'm close to something real**

 **I want to find something I've wanted all along**

 **Somewhere I belong**

She just wanted to heal, to put together the pieces of her broken soul and let go of the pain. She wanted to remember Samuel with a smile instead of tears. She wanted to feel God again, to feel love, and lust, and joy, and hope, and disappointment, and rage, and all those feelings that vanished as if by magic after Samuel's death.

 **And I've got nothing to say**

 **I can't believe I didn't fall right down on my face**

 **(I was confused)**

 **Looking everywhere only to find That it's**

 **Not the way I had imagined it all in my mind**

 **(So what am I?)**

 **What do I have but negativity?**

 **'Cause I can't justify the way everyone is looking at me.(**

 **Nothing to lose)**

 **Nothing to gain, hollow and alone**

 **And the fault is my own,**

 **And the fault is my own**

She knows civilians don't get it. And yes, she also knows it's a lie to separate herself from the rest, to put herself among the soldiers who kill and die at war. But the fact is she doesn't belong in a peaceful world. She reigns in the middle of the chaos, like an ER, like a war zone. And she is lost in a dinner with friends and at home with her former husband watching the game

People know it. They all look at her as if she was a sea monster with two heads and tentacles that speaks in a foreign language. Weirdly enough, the only one who speaks with her as if she were a human being is Edwards, his ex husband's ex girlfriend. Sometimes, after a new fight with Jackson, when she is still mad and furious and hating on him for giving up too soon, she wonders if Jackson made them that, a sea monster with two heads and tentacles that speaks in a foreign language. It's not fair, she knows that, but Edwards and she live isolated from the rest, sometimes they get to speak with some of them, but it never feels enough, maybe because they are the ones who have erected a wall around themselves, they are there, but they are never completely there and the people around them know that

And this is not what she imagined waiting for her when she went back to Seattle. April imagined a loving husband and some happy friends, she expected the live from before, Alex calling her Apes, Meredith with her two kids, Jackson in love with her, Hunt being his mentor and Arizona her best friend, and a world where she was annoying April who is not really that annoying and we all love her the same. Instead she found indifference and a gasp that she couldn't jump anymore

 **I want to heal,**

 **I want to feel,**

 **What I thought was never real**

 **I want to let go of the pain I've held so long(erase all the pain 'till it's gone.)**

 **I want to heal,**

 **I want to feel,**

 **Like I'm close to something real**

 **I want to find something I've wanted all along**

 **Somewhere I belong**

April is tired of feeling like that, out of place, the sore thumb who nobody wants around. Edwards is gone, Jackson has a new favorite person and April just doesn't know what she is doing here. She doesn't belong here, where she doesn't have friends, a job she loves with all her soul, a safe cocoon. And yes, she knows it's the most ironic thing ever, she felt safer in Jordan. She was a superhero there, with her nickname and her weapon in her hips

In Jordan, she was surrounded by people who would die for her, and by people who would kill for her. And she would have done the same thing for them. It was a relationship like nothing that she has ever experienced. It wasn't friendship, it was a merger, men and women tied by loss, panic, blood and victories. And she miss it

There is only one thing that ties her to Seattle, and that is Harriet. Harriet is her responsibility, and she can't fail to another of her kids

But it's hard to stay put. She needs to go away, to start anew, to be in the middle of the chaos once again and be the Machine instead of a joke and a traitor

 **I will never know**

 **myself until I do this on my own**

 **And I will never feel,**

 **Anything else until my wounds are healed**

 **I will never be**

 **Anything 'til I break away from me**

 **And I will break away,**

 **And find myself today**

But she won't do it. She can't separate her daughter from her father. She can't be a failure as a mother again. So she will stay in Seattle, she will walk around with her chin up, she will fake the smiles and the laughs, and she will wear the mask until all of it become real, and the smiles become honest, and one unique friend slash mentor and a daughter are enough to overcome the ex husband in a new relationship, the friends that aren't friends, the job that stopped being a challenge a long time ago and the lonely life that goes nowhere

 **I want to heal,**

 **I want to feel,**

 **What I thought was never real**

 **I want to let go of the pain I felt so long (erase all the pain til it's gone)**

 **I want to heal,**

 **I want to feel,**

 **Like I'm close to something real**

 **I want to find something I've wanted all along**

 **Somewhere I belong.**

 **I want to heal.**

 **I want to feel like I'm,**

 **Somewhere I belong, Somewhere I belong.**

She found herself in Jordan, maybe she can find herself in Seattle, even if it's only a version of herself, a layer of the onion, a monster with two heads and tentacles that speaks in a foreign language.


End file.
